Two Years Later
Two years on, I’m sharing this entry exactly as it was written. I’ve only updated pronouns and images for accuracy and copyright reasons, because my branding has changed and my child deserves to be represented correctly. But the words themselves remain untouched.
I won’t rewrite the emotions, the chaos, or the fear I was living in at the time. This post captures the reality of trauma as it unfolded — before I had the language for PTSD, before I understood my nervous system, before I knew how deeply coercive control had shaped my responses. It’s uncomfortable to read back, but it’s honest. And honesty matters.
This is a record of what survival looked like in real time. It’s also a marker of how far I’ve come.
Content Warning: Mentions of coercive control, trauma, PTSD symptoms, and distress.
Forty-Eight Hours Without Sleep
I have not slept for forty-eight hours.
The panic, anxiety and flashbacks are crippling me. I feel completely overwhelmed by the police investigation into gross misconduct and grooming, and by everything surrounding it. The incompetence, the failures, the constant need to explain and evidence everything again. It is adding to something I am already struggling to survive.
On top of that, I am terrified that my ex’s bail conditions may be removed.
I tried to break the stress by painting ceramics with a friend. I tried gardening. I tried keeping busy because sitting still feels impossible. My body is completely wired from anxiety, but all it has really done is leave me exhausted and in pain.

The Solicitors’ Office, and a Dress That Still Mattered
Today I had to speak to the mortgage company and then go to my ex’s solicitors to collect gifts for my child.
It was brutal.
He is on police bail with restrictions preventing him from contacting me or the children directly or indirectly. Yet I am still placed in the position of collecting gifts and watching my child open them, because I have to put my child first.
That is the part people do not see.
You can be falling apart inside and still have to protect your child’s experience of the world. Still trying not to let your trauma become their burden. Still trying to make something feel normal for them, even when none of it is normal.
My little one wanted to wear the Elsa dress, so they did. In the middle of all the chaos, fear and triggers, I still wanted them to have that moment of freedom and joy.
But attending that office massively triggered me.
It felt like walking into a place connected to the continuation of the abuse. At times, it feels as though the process is allowing further psychological harm, particularly where allegations are being repeated despite evidence I believe contradicts them.
I have no faith in the justice system anymore.
Paperwork, Debt, and the Cost of Leaving
When I got home, I needed to print mortgage documents.
That pulled me straight back into the memory of being pressured into a 50/50 split that left me with even more financial burden.
Throughout our relationship, he never held a job. He spent beyond his means. He lied about money. I ended up paying off thousands of pounds of his debts.
When we got together, he already had significant debt and had lied about his living situation. He told me he was staying with family. I later realised how much had been hidden.
I covered everything.
The deposit.
The mortgage.
The household costs.
The debts.
The consequences.
I worked so hard to get back on my feet. Now I am being forced to pay him a large sum again, just to remove his financial control from me and allow me to remortgage.
It has all become too much.
Trying to Be Heard
I phoned Victim Support and gave them extensive documentation about the police failures and how they have directly impacted my children and me.
I also sent my statement to Professional Standards.
I know it may not be what the investigating officer hoped for, but I cannot bring myself to throw him under the bus. Not when the reality is far more complicated than that. Not when he was the only one who actually tried to act.
I have also received an email from the officer investigating coercive control. She is coming on Sunday.
But I have no faith left.
I feel like he will get away with it all. He got away with abusing his ex for ten years because nobody believed her. I am terrified the same thing is happening again.
The Night I Cannot Close My Eyes
I feel very alone.
The thought of living under his control for years to come, and having to face him in court again, is terrifying. Speaking to Victim Support left me with palpitations while I was still on the call.
I miss work, but I am not ready to go back.
I could not speak to a close friend tonight. It felt pointless. I resigned myself to the idea that it is easier to face this alone, then regretted telling them I had gone to sleep.
I cannot sleep.
I cannot close my eyes.
I ended up texting my sister in the middle of the night. I tried calling Victim Support twice, but both times I was cut off after thirty minutes because the demand was so high.
Tonight I am struggling with a kind of internal pain I cannot properly describe.
Crippling pain.
The kind I did not know before I accepted the reality and impact of the abuse I had lived through for so long.
So many psychological triggers are firing at once. All of them are connected to him. All of them are connected to what might happen next.
The thought of enduring his control for the next fourteen years is not something I can mentally cope with. He has never cared about the damage his actions cause.
I am waiting for support from CMHT, but I know that may take time.
And I am terrified.
Terrified of spiralling back into the dark place I was in on 15 April.
The Ongoing Impact
This is the ongoing impact of coercive control within the family court system.
It is not just the relationship.
It is not just the separation.
It is not just the abuse itself.
It is the way control continues afterwards through solicitors, mortgage documents, bail conditions, court hearings, accusations, handovers, gifts, paperwork and silence.
It is the way you are expected to keep functioning while every part of your life is still being pulled through the same system that has already failed to protect you.
And somehow, you are still expected to hold it all together.

Trauma and Recovery
- Back to reality. Two Days of Kindness Can’t Erase Months of Trauma 28/07/2024
- Still Standing- The Quiet Aftermath of Survival Life After Trauma: Motherhood, Exhaustion, and Carrying On Without a Safety Net 1/08/2024
- Learning to Recognise and Manage Triggers of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Resulting from Coercive Control 2/08/2024
- The Impact of Ignoring Domestic Abuse Reports 3/08/2024
- At the Starting Line, Again — The Cost of Being Passed from Officer to Officer 5/08/2024
- Professional Standards, Signed Statements, and the Aftermath You Do Not See 5/08/2024
- 🧠 When Therapy Isn’t Enough: A Reflective Journey into Psychosomatics
- Why I Write 03/10/2025
- When the Police Came Knocking: A Personal Journey Through Fear and Recovery 29/12/2024
- Finding Silence in the Midst of Overload: Navigating Safety and Trauma 25/01/2025
- The Friday Everything Broke 06/02/2025
- Finding Strength Amidst Chaos and Control 11/03/2025
- The Power of Truth: Advocating Against Police Misconduct 18/04/2025
- Living Behind the Mask: My Journey with PTSD 22/05/2025
- When Trauma Shatters Your Coping Strategies: How PTSD Changes Everything for the ADHD Brain 09/09/2025
- Understanding Dissociation Through Lived Experience, Neuroscience, and Survivor-Led Advocacy 💙 16/10/2025
- Angel Numbers & Everyday Spirituality: Finding Light in Life’s Patterns 21/10/25
- When Your Nervous System Remembers: Understanding Polyvagal Theory After Narcissistic Abuse 28/12/2025
- Two Years On: What They Could Never Take 10/04/2026
- The Break in Me — Two Days That Made the Damage Impossible to Ignore 21/04/2026
- TRAUMA
- TRAUMA


