Learning to Recognise and Manage Triggers of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Resulting from Coercive Control

Two Years Later

Two years on, I’m sharing this entry exactly as it was written. I’ve only updated pronouns and images for accuracy and copyright reasons, because my branding has changed and my child deserves to be represented correctly. But the words themselves remain untouched.

I won’t rewrite the emotions, the chaos, or the fear I was living in at the time. This post captures the reality of trauma as it unfolded — before I had the language for PTSD, before I understood my nervous system, before I knew how deeply coercive control had shaped my responses. It’s uncomfortable to read back, but it’s honest. And honesty matters.

This is a record of what survival looked like in real time. It’s also a marker of how far I’ve come.


Content Warning: Mentions of coercive control, trauma, PTSD symptoms, and distress.

Forty-Eight Hours Without Sleep

I have not slept for forty-eight hours.

The panic, anxiety and flashbacks are crippling me. I feel completely overwhelmed by the police investigation into gross misconduct and grooming, and by everything surrounding it. The incompetence, the failures, the constant need to explain and evidence everything again. It is adding to something I am already struggling to survive.

On top of that, I am terrified that my ex’s bail conditions may be removed.

I tried to break the stress by painting ceramics with a friend. I tried gardening. I tried keeping busy because sitting still feels impossible. My body is completely wired from anxiety, but all it has really done is leave me exhausted and in pain.

The Solicitors’ Office, and a Dress That Still Mattered

Today I had to speak to the mortgage company and then go to my ex’s solicitors to collect gifts for my child.

It was brutal.

He is on police bail with restrictions preventing him from contacting me or the children directly or indirectly. Yet I am still placed in the position of collecting gifts and watching my child open them, because I have to put my child first.

That is the part people do not see.

You can be falling apart inside and still have to protect your child’s experience of the world. Still trying not to let your trauma become their burden. Still trying to make something feel normal for them, even when none of it is normal.

My little one wanted to wear the Elsa dress, so they did. In the middle of all the chaos, fear and triggers, I still wanted them to have that moment of freedom and joy.

But attending that office massively triggered me.

It felt like walking into a place connected to the continuation of the abuse. At times, it feels as though the process is allowing further psychological harm, particularly where allegations are being repeated despite evidence I believe contradicts them.

I have no faith in the justice system anymore.

Paperwork, Debt, and the Cost of Leaving

When I got home, I needed to print mortgage documents.

That pulled me straight back into the memory of being pressured into a 50/50 split that left me with even more financial burden.

Throughout our relationship, he never held a job. He spent beyond his means. He lied about money. I ended up paying off thousands of pounds of his debts.

When we got together, he already had significant debt and had lied about his living situation. He told me he was staying with family. I later realised how much had been hidden.

I covered everything.

The deposit.
The mortgage.
The household costs.
The debts.
The consequences.

I worked so hard to get back on my feet. Now I am being forced to pay him a large sum again, just to remove his financial control from me and allow me to remortgage.

It has all become too much.

Trying to Be Heard

I phoned Victim Support and gave them extensive documentation about the police failures and how they have directly impacted my children and me.

I also sent my statement to Professional Standards.

I know it may not be what the investigating officer hoped for, but I cannot bring myself to throw him under the bus. Not when the reality is far more complicated than that. Not when he was the only one who actually tried to act.

I have also received an email from the officer investigating coercive control. She is coming on Sunday.

But I have no faith left.

I feel like he will get away with it all. He got away with abusing his ex for ten years because nobody believed her. I am terrified the same thing is happening again.

The Night I Cannot Close My Eyes

I feel very alone.

The thought of living under his control for years to come, and having to face him in court again, is terrifying. Speaking to Victim Support left me with palpitations while I was still on the call.

I miss work, but I am not ready to go back.

I could not speak to a close friend tonight. It felt pointless. I resigned myself to the idea that it is easier to face this alone, then regretted telling them I had gone to sleep.

I cannot sleep.

I cannot close my eyes.

I ended up texting my sister in the middle of the night. I tried calling Victim Support twice, but both times I was cut off after thirty minutes because the demand was so high.

Tonight I am struggling with a kind of internal pain I cannot properly describe.

Crippling pain.

The kind I did not know before I accepted the reality and impact of the abuse I had lived through for so long.

So many psychological triggers are firing at once. All of them are connected to him. All of them are connected to what might happen next.

The thought of enduring his control for the next fourteen years is not something I can mentally cope with. He has never cared about the damage his actions cause.

I am waiting for support from CMHT, but I know that may take time.

And I am terrified.

Terrified of spiralling back into the dark place I was in on 15 April.

The Ongoing Impact

This is the ongoing impact of coercive control within the family court system.

It is not just the relationship.
It is not just the separation.
It is not just the abuse itself.

It is the way control continues afterwards through solicitors, mortgage documents, bail conditions, court hearings, accusations, handovers, gifts, paperwork and silence.

It is the way you are expected to keep functioning while every part of your life is still being pulled through the same system that has already failed to protect you.

And somehow, you are still expected to hold it all together.

Trauma and Recovery

Share this page
  • When There Is No Safety Net Coming

    When There Is No Safety Net Coming

    A personal reflection on trauma, grounding, survival, parenting after abuse, and the reality of healing when there is no safety net coming. A NAAVoices story about resilience, nervous system recovery, self-care, and children surviving trauma.

  • Small Acts, Big Impact, Supporting Cancer Research

    Small Acts, Big Impact, Supporting Cancer Research

    Two of my colleagues are fundraising for Cancer Research, combining their frontline experience in general practice with personal lived experience of cancer. This is a cause close to home — support their efforts or share to help make a difference.

  • Two Days That Made the Damage Impossible to Ignore

    Two Days That Made the Damage Impossible to Ignore

    A trauma-informed reflection on PTSD and C-PTSD, exploring hypervigilance, sleep deprivation, institutional triggers, and why healing cannot begin while threat remains. A lived-experience and professional perspective, two years on.

NAAVoices.com — From Survival to Voice

The Journey Behind
NAAVoices

Registered Nurse · Survivor · Neurodivergent · Founder of NAAVoices.com

If you met me at work, you'd see a primary care nurse getting on with the job.

You'd see the clinic lists, the assessments, the routine pressures of general practice. You might notice that I take safeguarding seriously, that I ask different questions, that I pay attention when something “doesn't quite fit”. What you probably wouldn't see is the path that brought me here — or why I rebuilt my entire life and this website from scratch.

This is that story.

The Question That Sent Me Back to University

I had already earned my BSc (Hons) in Nursing and completed multiple master's modules, as well as gained advanced diplomas in areas of general practice. Alongside this, I bring years of primary care experience, a foundation in acute medicine, and several years of experience working in mental health and child and adolescent services. Yet, despite this breadth of knowledge and dedication, my world came crashing down.

After years of coercive control and abuse, I finally left. What followed was worse than I ever imagined: the abuse continued through services supposedly there to protect, and then the family court, professionals looked the other way, and systems I trusted were used as weapons.

I found myself asking a question I couldn't let go of:

How can a human being choose to inflict such pain and suffering on those around them? How do they remain unchanged, unmoved by the harm they cause? How can deceit come so easily, as though truth were meaningless? How can they live without conscience, acting with cruelty yet finding rest at night?

It wasn't an abstract interest in psychology. I needed to understand psychopaths, coercive control, and deliberate cruelty because I was living with the aftermath of it. I wanted to know what kind of mind can inflict that level of damage and still perform “normality” for professionals.

That question sent me back to university.

I self-funded a Postgraduate Certificate in Neuroscience & Psychology of Mental Health. I did it quietly, alongside my job in primary care. Very few colleagues knew I was studying. This wasn't about promotion or a title. It was about survival and understanding.

No amount of academic theory will ever make intentional cruelty “make sense” in human terms.

But the course did something important. It gave me language, evidence, and a framework for what I had lived through. I learned about trauma, attachment, adverse childhood experiences, personality structure, chronic stress, and how the brain adapts to survive.

I am qualified in mental health, but my day-to-day employed role remains in primary care, with different clinical priorities. The mental-health training sits behind the scenes: it informs how I think, how I listen, and how I build this work, but I am not employed as a specialist mental-health clinician. That distinction matters.

Building on the framework provided by the PGCert in Neuroscience and Psychology of Mental Health, my journey shifted from solely personal survival to a commitment to serve others who are where I once was.

This led to further specialised training, including becoming a Certified Trauma Healing Practitioner, a Certified Narcissist Recovery Practitioner, and a Certified Neurodiversity Coach through CMA- and IPHM-accredited providers.

These qualifications are not mere credentials; they represent my dedication to transforming lived experience and academic knowledge into structured, ethical, and evidence-informed tools that I can share, ensuring this work extends beyond personal narrative to provide tangible, practical support.

ADHD, Masking, and the Shape of “Resilience”

At 34, I was finally diagnosed with ADHD — something I had suspected for years but never prioritised because I was too busy coping. Suddenly, a lot made sense:

  • My ability to hyperfocus through chaos
  • My drive to fix complex problems that aren't technically “mine”
  • My tendency to keep going long after most people would stop — until I crashed

ADHD had quietly shaped my career success and my personal vulnerability. It helped me advocate, absorb information quickly, and think laterally about systems. It also meant I masked distress and over-functioned for far too long, calling it resilience while my nervous system was burning out.

The combination of primary care nursing, postgraduate mental-health training, ADHD, and lived experience of abuse and institutional failure created a particular kind of clarity:

  • I could see the patterns
  • I could name the dynamics
  • I could track how systems were failing — not just for me, but for my children as well

The Day the Music Told the Truth

There was a point where the clinical knowledge, the qualifications, and the “I'm fine” facade all fell apart.

One night, I sat in a chair, listening to “I Am Not OK” on repeat for an hour.

I wasn't writing. I wasn't coping. I was rocking, dissociating, and trying to keep my brain from breaking under the weight of what had happened — and what was still happening through the courts and institutional responses.

Two months later, in September 2024, I was diagnosed with PTSD.

The label didn't shock me. It simply caught up with reality. Hypervigilance, flashbacks, sensory overload, the constant scanning for threat — all of it was textbook trauma layered on top of chronic stress and unresolved safeguarding failures.

At that point, writing stopped being a hobby and became something else entirely:

It wasn't writing — it was survival.

When Your Children Show You the Cost

Some memories don't fade, no matter how much time passes.

Their fear was a mirror. It reflected my own internal state — the same dread, the same hyperawareness, the same sense that danger could reappear at any moment.

These weren't “incidents”; they were symptoms of living in prolonged fear and then being failed by the very systems meant to protect us.

Those moments changed the trajectory of my life. They turned advocacy from something I did around my job into something that sits at the centre of who I am.

The Courtroom Where My Voice Didn't Count

Leaving an abuser should mark the beginning of safety.

Instead, I watched the family court become another arena for control.

I was left with a clear message:

You can be a nurse, a mother, or a credible witness. Yet, you may still be silenced when it threatens the bad reputation.

That level of institutional betrayal changes you.

The Moment Nurse Against Abuse Was Born

The night after court, I wasn't okay. I was struggling to hold it together.

My daughter was upset because she wasn't “the best” at something. I'd explained to her that everyone has different things they're good at, and she looked at me and said:

“You are the best at looking after people.”

When the systems around us wouldn't protect us, that sentence became my guide. If I couldn't make them listen to me, I could at least create a space. There, others would never feel that level of erasure. They would not be without a map in their hands.

During a period of severe mental decline, triggered by further police leaks and ongoing court proceedings, I realised something uncomfortable but undeniable:

If I kept trying to be heard in spaces designed not to listen, I was going to break.

So I did the only thing that made sense to my ADHD brain, my nurse brain, and my traumatised brain all at once:

I built something new.

Nurse Against Abuse did not start as a brand. It started as a survival mechanism.

From Troubled Minds to Empowered Voices

“From Troubled Minds to Empowered Voices” was never intended as a branding effort. It grew out of my own journey. Traumatised and feeling voiceless, unable to find the words I so desperately needed.

Traditional trauma therapies don't always fit everyone living with PTSD; for me, speaking was impossible.

Out of that silence, I developed a technique. It first became a journal for myself. Then, it became a tool for others who also struggled to speak but longed for help.

It began as a personal survival tool. Now, it has evolved into the From Troubled Minds to Empowered Voices Collection.

  • From being overwhelmed and unheard to finally understanding what was happening inside my own brain
  • From surviving day-to-day to building something that might make the path easier for someone else
  • From having no voice to ensuring others never feel their lives matter so little to those who were meant to protect them

I love primary care, my patients and my work family. Though it is a workplace, it has always been the place I turn to when I am struggling. There, I could just be myself. Not a victim, not only a parent of traumatised children, but someone who can give others the care they deserve. My therapy is being able to serve others. It is where I was myself and where I can still be myself.

  • Work became my sanctuary when my home was no longer safe
  • My mental health qualification provides the theoretical foundation for what I share here
  • My lived experience ensures none of this drifts into abstract theory

Together, they underpin everything you see on this site: the blogs, the survivor tools, the professional resources, and the insistence that people deserve to be heard, believed, and properly safeguarded.

Why This Story Is Here

This page exists for one reason: context.

When you read my blogs about West Mercia Police, family court, coercive control, ADHD, PTSD, or child safeguarding, I want you to know the perspective they are written from:

  • A professional with lived experience and the qualifications and knowledge to support
  • A mother whose children have lived through domestic abuse and systemic failure
  • A survivor who has seen what happens when institutions protect themselves instead of the vulnerable

I am not neutral.

I am informed.

And I am still here.

If you are reading this because you are trying to make sense of your own situation — whether as a survivor, a parent, a professional, or all three at once — you need to hear this clearly:

You are not overreacting.

You are not weak.

You are not the problem.

And you no longer have to walk through this without language, without tools, or without a voice.

📚 Publications
Not Broken

Not Broken: Finding the Stars

📦 Amazon UK
From Troubled Minds

From Troubled Minds to Empowered Voices

📦 Amazon UK
Gabby’s Guide

Gabby's Guide to Brainstorming Fun

📦 Amazon UK
Gabby’s Guide

Gabby's Guide — Collection

📦 Amazon UK
No Further Action

No Further Action —

⌛ Coming soon

A note on identity

NAAVoices was originally founded under a pseudonym to protect my identity. With time and healing I have come to realise that reducing stigma does not come from staying hidden — it comes from openness. Domestic abuse, mental health difficulties, and the need for advocacy happen to people from every walk of life. I am Amy Royle, and speaking openly is part of normalising these conversations so that others feel safe to do the same.

Discover more from NAAVoices.com

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading