Understanding
Domestic Abuse
Types of abuse, coercive control, trauma bonding, the narcissistic abuse cycle, UK statistics, myths and facts, pregnancy and DA, same-sex relationships, and the link between domestic abuse and neurodiversity.
Types of domestic abuse
Domestic abuse is not only physical violence. The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 defines abuse as including any of the following behaviours from a partner, ex-partner, or family member.
Physical abuse
Hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, strangling, throwing objects, restraining, or any other form of physical violence. Non-fatal strangulation is now a specific criminal offence under the DA Act 2021.
Emotional & psychological abuse
Humiliation, threats, constant criticism, gaslighting, controlling behaviour, isolation from friends and family, monitoring movements, and undermining self-worth.
Coercive control
A pattern of behaviour that seeks to take away the victim’s liberty or freedom and strip away their sense of self. A criminal offence in England and Wales under the Serious Crime Act 2015.
Financial & economic abuse
Controlling access to money, preventing employment, running up debt in your name, taking your earnings, and economic coercion. See the Financial Abuse page for full guidance.
Sexual abuse
Any sexual act carried out without consent, including rape within a relationship. Being in a relationship does not imply consent. Rape within marriage has been a crime since 1991.
Technology-facilitated abuse
Monitoring devices, tracking software, sharing intimate images without consent, harassment via social media or messaging, and using technology to maintain control.
Coercive Control
A pattern of behaviour that traps victims — now a criminal offence
Coercive control is a strategic pattern of behaviour designed to take away a victim’s liberty and autonomy. Professor Evan Stark describes it as taking someone hostage in their own life. It became a criminal offence under the Serious Crime Act 2015 and was expanded by the DA Act 2021 to include post-separation abuse.
Signs of coercive control
- Isolating you from friends, family, and support networks
- Monitoring your whereabouts, communications, and daily activities
- Controlling finances and limiting your access to money
- Controlling what you wear, eat, where you go, and who you see
- Threats to hurt you, your children, pets, or to report you to authorities
- Humiliating, degrading, or dehumanising you
- Making you feel responsible for the abuse
- Punishing you for not following rules or completing tasks
Am I being abused?
A private, compassionate self-assessment covering physical, emotional, financial, coercive, and digital abuse. No data is stored. Takes around 5 minutes.
Trauma bonding: why it’s so hard to leave
Trauma bonding develops through cycles of abuse and intermittent reinforcement — periods of intense affection and apparent remorse following abuse. The brain responds to this pattern by releasing bonding hormones during the positive phases, creating a powerful psychological attachment to the abuser.
This is not weakness. It is a neurobiological response to an abusive dynamic. The trauma bond is often the reason people stay, return, or find it almost impossible to leave — even when they recognise the danger.
“I used to think I stayed because I loved him. But I was terrified of what would happen if I didn’t. Every time I tried to leave, he’d cry, promise change, or remind me how much I ‘owed’ him. It felt safer to stay than to face the chaos of leaving. Now I know — that was the trauma bond.” — Survivor
- Trauma bonds are not a character flaw or a sign of weakness
- They can be broken — but they require specialist support and understanding
- Recovery from trauma bonding is possible — see the therapy & recovery page for support options
The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
A predictable pattern designed to destabilise, confuse, and control
Narcissistic abuse follows a recognisable cycle of idealisation, devaluation, and discard. Understanding this pattern can help survivors make sense of what happened to them.
Idealisation
Love bombing — intense affection, flattery, and attention. The abuser makes the victim feel uniquely understood and valued. This phase establishes the bond and creates the false image of who the abuser “really is”.
Devaluation
Gradual withdrawal of affection, increased criticism, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation. The victim works harder to regain the connection from the idealisation phase — which is exactly what the abuser wants.
Discard & repeat
The abuser withdraws or ends the relationship, often suddenly and cruelly. This may be followed by a return to idealisation (hoovering) — restarting the cycle. The cycle can repeat many times.
Myths vs facts
❌ Myth
“Domestic abuse only happens in certain communities or income levels.”
✓ Fact
Domestic abuse affects people across all backgrounds, ages, ethnicities, religions, and socioeconomic groups.
❌ Myth
“If it was really that bad, they would just leave.”
✓ Fact
Leaving is the most dangerous time for a victim. Fear, financial control, children, immigration status, and trauma bonds make leaving extremely complex.
❌ Myth
“Domestic abuse is only physical violence.”
✓ Fact
Abuse includes coercive control, emotional abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, isolation, and psychological manipulation — all recognised under UK law.
❌ Myth
“Men can’t be victims of domestic abuse.”
✓ Fact
1 in 6–7 men experience domestic abuse. Male victims face unique barriers including stigma and lack of male-specific services.
❌ Myth
“Abuse always involves physical violence.”
✓ Fact
Many victims never experience physical violence. Coercive control, emotional abuse, and financial control can be just as damaging and are criminal offences.
UK domestic abuse statistics
Women experience domestic abuse in their lifetime
Men experience domestic abuse in their lifetime
Adults experienced domestic abuse in the last year in England & Wales
A woman is killed by a current or former partner in the UK
Of all violent crime reported to police in England & Wales is domestic abuse
Average number of incidents before a victim contacts police
Children in the UK live in households where domestic abuse occurs
Of DA victims are targeted at work — DA is also a workplace issue
Sources: ONS 2024, SafeLives, Women’s Aid
Pregnancy & domestic abuse
DA often begins or escalates during pregnancy — one of the highest-risk periods for victims
Key fact: Domestic abuse is one of the most common complications of pregnancy. Research consistently shows that abuse often begins or significantly escalates during pregnancy and the postnatal period. Pregnant victims are at increased risk of miscarriage, premature birth, low birth weight, and maternal death.
Why pregnancy is a high-risk period
- The pregnancy may not be wanted by the abuser — increasing resentment and control
- Pregnancy creates new vulnerabilities — physical, emotional, financial, and social
- The victim becomes more dependent, which abusers may exploit
- Pregnancy can trigger jealousy, and the abuser may feel displaced by the baby
- Abusers may withhold medical care, accompany all appointments, or control what the victim tells healthcare professionals
- Physical abuse during pregnancy is often directed at the abdomen
- Leaving feels even harder — housing, finances, and the welfare of the unborn child all create barriers
Health impacts on mother and baby
- Miscarriage and pregnancy loss
- Premature birth and preterm labour
- Low birth weight and fetal growth restriction
- Placental abruption from physical trauma
- Antenatal and postnatal depression and anxiety
- PTSD and complex trauma during and after pregnancy
- Reduced antenatal care attendance — often controlled by the abuser
- Increased risk of femicide — pregnancy is a known risk factor for domestic homicide
Signs to watch for
- Partner always present at appointments — never leaving alone with healthcare staff
- Unexplained injuries, especially to the abdomen, breasts, or genitals
- Late booking for antenatal care or missed appointments
- Partner answering questions on behalf of the woman
- Unexplained anxiety, depression, or fear around appointments
- Repeated presentation to A&E or GP with vague symptoms
If you are pregnant and experiencing abuse
- Your midwife, GP, or health visitor can help — they are trained to ask about DA and it is completely safe to disclose to them
- You have the right to be seen alone at appointments — you can ask for this
- Your safety and your baby’s safety are the priority — there is no judgement
- Leaving during pregnancy is possible and there are services that specifically support pregnant victims
- Refuge can accommodate pregnant women — call 0808 2000 247
The postnatal period
- Abuse often continues or escalates after the birth
- Control may shift to include control of the baby — feeding, care decisions, access
- Postnatal depression can be used by abusers to dismiss concerns or undermine parenting
- Health visitors are a key point of contact — they can refer to DA services
- Children are recognised as victims in their own right under the DA Act 2021
Routine enquiry in maternity
- NICE guidance recommends routine, confidential enquiry about DA at antenatal booking, 28 weeks, and at key postnatal contacts
- Always see the woman alone — never conduct DA enquiry with partner or family member present
- Use validated enquiry tools — HITS, WAST, or local trust protocols
- Document disclosures carefully — in the woman’s own words, with injury diagrams where relevant
Safeguarding duties
- An unborn child can be subject to a pre-birth child protection plan where there is significant risk
- MARAC referral for high-risk pregnant victims — pregnancy is a standalone risk factor
- Refer to specialist IDVA — many areas have specialist perinatal DA workers
- Never treat DA as a social problem separate from clinical care — it is a clinical issue
National DA Helpline
0808 2000 247Free, 24/7. Can refer pregnant victims to specialist services and refuge with maternity provision.
nationaldahelpline.org.uk →Refuge
0808 2000 247Refuge spaces are available to pregnant women. Staff are trained to support perinatal victims of DA.
refuge.org.uk →Tommy’s & SafeLives
Tommy’s charity has resources on DA and pregnancy. SafeLives has professional guidance on perinatal DA.
tommys.org →The link between domestic abuse & neurodiversity
Understanding the risks, the barriers, and the support survivors deserve
Neurodivergent people — including those with ADHD, autism, dyslexia, and other conditions — can be disproportionately affected by domestic abuse. Perpetrators may specifically target neurodivergent people because of the vulnerabilities that come with their neurology. Understanding this link is critical for survivors, families, and professionals alike.
Why neurodivergent people may be more vulnerable
- Masking and people-pleasing behaviours can make it harder to recognise manipulation
- Difficulties with interoception — identifying emotional and physical states internally
- Social communication differences can be deliberately exploited by abusers
- Greater reliance on routines and familiar environments increases barriers to leaving
- Gaslighting is particularly effective against those who already doubt their own perceptions
- Black-and-white thinking may make it harder to hold complexity of the relationship
- Sensory and processing differences may mean abuse is experienced more intensely
Barriers to getting help
- Services may not be adapted for neurodivergent communication needs
- Sensory sensitivities can make refuge or support environments overwhelming
- Misdiagnosis — symptoms of abuse overlapping with neurodevelopmental presentations
- Disclosure can be harder when processing and communication styles differ
- Professionals may not recognise neurodivergent presentations of trauma
- Rigid systems and processes that don’t accommodate neurodivergent needs
- Prior negative experiences with services undermining trust
What services need to do differently
- Ask about neurodiversity as part of any needs assessment
- Provide written information as well as verbal explanations
- Allow extra time for processing and response
- Avoid environments with high sensory demands where possible
- Understand that flat affect, direct communication, or apparent calm does not mean the abuse is less serious
- Work alongside neurodiversity specialists where available
Understanding the link — full guide
The NAAVoices guide on domestic abuse and neurodiversity covers the specific risks, the ways abuse presents differently in neurodivergent people, the barriers to accessing help, and what survivors and professionals need to know.
Written by a neurodivergent Registered Nurse, trauma practitioner, and domestic abuse specialist.
Domestic abuse in same-sex relationships
All forms of abuse happen in same-sex relationships — and survivors face unique additional barriers
Domestic abuse occurs in same-sex relationships at similar rates to heterosexual relationships, but survivors often face additional, specific barriers to recognition, disclosure, and accessing support.
Additional barriers for LGBT+ survivors
- Fear of not being believed — “abuse doesn’t happen in same-sex relationships”
- Concerns about outing themselves when disclosing to services
- Abuser threatening to “out” the victim to family, employer, or community
- Fewer visible same-sex specialist services or refuge spaces
- Concerns about homophobia or transphobia from services or police
- Unique forms of control linked to gender identity or sexual orientation
- Immigration-related control where status depends on partner
What services must do
- Treat every disclosure with the same seriousness regardless of the genders involved
- Not assume heterosexuality when asking about relationships or safety
- Understand that patterns of coercive control are the same across all relationship types
- Know the specialist LGBT+ DA services in your area
- Ensure risk assessments account for unique LGBT+ risks
- Never advise a victim to “resolve it within the community”
Galop — LGBT+ DA Helpline
0800 999 5428The only specialist LGBT+ domestic abuse helpline in the UK. Confidential, expert support.
galop.org.uk →LGBT Foundation
Support services for LGBT+ people including domestic abuse, mental health, and housing advice.
lgbt.foundation →NAAVoices Same-Sex DA Guide
Full NAAVoices guide to domestic abuse in same-sex relationships — patterns, barriers, and support.
Download PDF →Trauma impact & recovery
Understanding what prolonged abuse does to the mind and body is not weakness — it is the first step in recovery. These are neurological and psychological responses to extreme stress, not character flaws.
Complex PTSD (C-PTSD)
The impact of prolonged, repeated trauma — distinct from single-incident PTSD
Complex PTSD develops from prolonged, repeated exposure to trauma — particularly where there is no possibility of escape, such as in abusive relationships. It is distinct from PTSD and requires different treatment approaches.
C-PTSD symptoms
- All PTSD symptoms — flashbacks, hypervigilance, avoidance, nightmares
- Emotional dysregulation — intense, unpredictable emotional responses
- Negative self-perception — deep feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness
- Difficulty with relationships — trust difficulties, fear of abandonment
- Dissociation — feeling detached from yourself, memory gaps, feeling unreal
- Changes in consciousness — including partial amnesia of the abusive period
Important: C-PTSD is not “being difficult” or “attention-seeking.” It is a recognised clinical condition caused by what was done to you. Standard PTSD treatments may not be sufficient — trauma-specialist therapy is recommended.
Dissociation & trauma
Dissociation is the mind’s protective response to overwhelming experiences — a disconnection from thoughts, feelings, surroundings, or identity. In DA survivors it is very common and is a sign of how serious the trauma was, not a sign of weakness.
- Feeling detached from your body or watching yourself from outside
- Memory gaps around abusive incidents
- Feeling that the world is unreal or dreamlike
- Not recognising yourself in the mirror
- Losing time or finding yourself somewhere without knowing how you got there
Your nervous system after abuse
Prolonged abuse rewires the nervous system — keeping it permanently on high alert even after the danger has passed. Understanding this helps make sense of responses that can seem confusing or disproportionate.
- Fight/flight: Anxiety, anger, hypervigilance — the nervous system scanning for threat
- Freeze/shutdown: Numbness, collapse, inability to act — a survival response
- Fawn: People-pleasing, difficulty saying no — learned to keep safe
- Recovery involves gently teaching the nervous system that it is safe — this takes time and cannot be rushed
The grief of leaving
Leaving an abusive relationship involves real and complex grief — even when leaving was the right decision. This grief is often misunderstood by people who don’t understand trauma bonding.
- Grief for who you thought the person was — or who they were at the start
- Grief for the life or family you hoped for
- Grief for your own sense of self, which was systematically dismantled
- Feeling this grief does not mean you made the wrong decision
- It is a valid, normal response — and it passes
Rebuilding your identity
Abusive relationships systematically destroy the victim’s sense of self — through criticism, isolation, gaslighting, and control. Rebuilding identity is one of the most profound and important parts of recovery.
- Rediscovering who you were before the relationship
- Exploring interests, opinions, and preferences you were not allowed to have
- Learning to trust your own perceptions again after gaslighting
- Setting and maintaining boundaries — often for the first time
- This is not quick — but it is possible, and it is worth it
Trauma responses are not character flaws
When working with survivors, it is essential to understand that behaviours which might appear difficult — inconsistency, minimisation, returning to the abuser, hostility — are trauma responses, not signs of unreliability or poor character.
- Inconsistency in accounts is common with trauma memory — it does not indicate lying
- Minimisation protects the person — it is not lack of insight
- Returning to an abuser is common — it typically takes 7+ attempts to leave permanently
- Respond with patience, consistency, and non-judgement every time
Specific communities & additional barriers
Rural isolation as a tool of control
Rural and remote locations create unique additional barriers for DA victims — and abusers in rural settings frequently exploit geography as a form of control.
- Controlling transport — no car, no public transport, no phone signal
- Distance from support services, police, and refuge
- Knowing everyone locally — making disclosure feel dangerous
- Slower police response times in rural areas
- Agricultural settings may involve shared work, financial dependency, and isolation from neighbours
- Farming-specific DA organisations: Farm Community Network and RABI (Royal Agricultural Benevolent Institution) can help
Learning disability & DA
People with learning disabilities are at significantly higher risk of experiencing domestic and sexual abuse and face major barriers to disclosure and support.
- May have been taught to comply with authority — making it harder to recognise or report abuse
- Abusers may be carers or people in positions of trust
- Communication barriers may make disclosure very difficult
- Services must provide accessible formats, easy-read information, and communication support
- Mencap and Respond (trauma and abuse support for people with learning disabilities) are key contacts
Asylum seekers & refugees
People with uncertain immigration status face extreme barriers in accessing DA support — including fear of deportation, NRPF, and dependence on an abusive sponsor or partner for their visa.
- DA is always a criminal offence in the UK regardless of immigration status
- The DDVC (Destitution Domestic Violence Concession) may be available for those on partner visas
- Southall Black Sisters — specialist BAME and immigration DA support
- Refugee Council — support for asylum seekers
- Law Centres Network — free immigration legal advice
- Reporting to police does not automatically trigger immigration enforcement
Faith, cultural & community barriers
In some communities, family honour, faith-based expectations of marriage, or community cohesion create powerful additional barriers to disclosure and leaving.
- Fear of community judgement or ostracism
- Religious or cultural expectations that marriage is permanent
- Leaders or elders discouraging reporting
- Honour-based abuse — where the family or community may be the abuser
- All of the same protections apply regardless of cultural context — abuse is always abuse
- Karma Nirvana: 0800 5999 247 · Southall Black Sisters · Ashiana Network
Educational videos
From the Founder
From the Founder
Personal writing from Amy Royle — survival, recovery, neurodiversity, parenting through trauma, advocacy, and the journey that built NAAVoices.
All resources by NAAVoices.com — survivor-led, trauma-informed, evidence-based
Not Broken: Finding the Stars
📦 Amazon UKFrom Troubled Minds to Empowered Voices
📦 Amazon UKGabby's Guide to Brainstorming Fun
📦 Amazon UKGabby's Guide — Collection
📦 Amazon UKNo Further Action —
⌛ Coming soonA note on identity
NAAVoices was originally founded under a pseudonym to protect my identity. With time and healing I have come to realise that reducing stigma does not come from staying hidden — it comes from openness. Domestic abuse, mental health difficulties, and the need for advocacy happen to people from every walk of life. Speaking openly is an important part of normalising these conversations so that others feel safe to do the same.