Why Do I Do It to Myself?

Why Do I Do It to Myself?

21 December 2025

The Kitchen Floor

I collapsed on the kitchen floor, crying while washing up.

Not a tidy cry. Not a “have a minute and pull yourself together” cry.
The kind where your body gives up because it’s held too much for too long.

And what triggered it wasn’t a siren or a court letter.

It was a parcel.

Two parcels, actually, two moments, two versions of me.

The first arrived two weeks ago and broke me.
The second came on Friday, opened on Saturday morning — and that’s the one where something finally shifted.


Why Do I Do It to Myself?

I know I’m the one who keeps stepping back into the minefield.
I know I shouldn’t care.

But I do.

This is raw, personal, and unfiltered.
It’s not about police, paperwork, or proving reality to people who weren’t there.
It’s about being exhausted from holding everything together to protect the very people who caused the harm.


Two Weeks Ago

The knock came.

I was asked why I didn’t refuse the delivery. But that wouldn’t have been fair to my child.

Two weeks on, I’m wondering if that advice might have saved her some sleepless nights.

I recognised the handwriting instantly. I’d anticipated it, but I still believed she deserved more — a call, a message, an effort. Something real.

I took the parcel as if it were harmless.

A present.
For my child.
From his side.

But it wasn’t harmless. It carried history, absence, and grief that doesn’t fit in a parcel.

There was someone on that side I once trusted deeply — someone who felt like family. Leaving didn’t just end a relationship; it ended the safety I thought came with that wider family.

I wanted to believe love for an innocent child would cut through everything.

It didn’t.

Over the course of six months of contact, they saw her only once or twice. No consistency. No relationship.
Yet for years I tried to build one.

Children don’t bond with absence.


The Wrong Name

Then I saw the card.

The name was wrong.

My child clocked it instantly. Her face dropped.
It wasn’t a typo; it was a message. A reminder of why she was so distressed over the summer.

And what did I do?

I made it okay.
I softened it.
I buffered the impact.

Because that’s what I’ve always done.


The Video I Talked Her Into

Then came the video.

She didn’t want to send one.
It wasn’t dramatic — just a quiet, firm no.

And she’s five.

Five.

Already learning that adults expect children to bend to make adults feel better.

Still, I encouraged her.
Not for her — for them.
For the memories they chose not to be part of.

I went back to the sink like nothing had happened.

And then my body gave out.

I slid onto the tiles and sobbed, my nervous system finally dropping the pretence.

And then I did what I always do: I blamed myself for being triggered.

I manage triggers well — until one gets through the armour.


The Truth He Tried to Twist

I built a blog to survive.

A few months ago, my ex tried to take that too.

One video. No face. No name. No identifying details.
But it showed abuse.

Instead of accountability, he tried to silence me.

Then came the absurd part:
He blamed my blog for his admission to a mental health unit.

Before he even knew the blog existed.

His timeline didn’t match reality.

That’s not truth — that’s strategy.
Narrative control.
Rewrite cause and effect.
Make me the problem.
Make him the victim.

Meanwhile, I have two teenagers who have been supported for trauma for two years.

That’s what matters.

I want nothing to do with him ever again.

What I fear every day is what he will do to our child.

And so does she.


Why I Keep Timelines

Because reality gets rewritten.
Details “go missing.”
People suddenly don’t recall.
Records get vague.

And the person holding the truth gets painted as unstable for remembering.

But the hardest part isn’t the adult stuff.

It’s my child.

The fear in her body.
The night terrors.
The way trauma shows up in sleep, panic, and clinging.

Some details I won’t share here — not because they didn’t happen, but because they need to be preserved for future DARVO attempts.


The Second Parcel

Then it happened again.

Another parcel.
Another wrong name.

This time, I followed professional advice:

Stop protecting other people. Protect your child.

I thought I was shielding her by making excuses.

I wasn’t.

I was shielding adults from consequences.

This one was from her dad.
Again, the card centred him — his feelings, his narrative, his self‑pity.

And the hook:

“I don’t know if you will even get this.”

A sentence designed to plant a story.


“Do I Have Two Dads?”

She asked me this out of nowhere.

Not because she doesn’t know the truth — she does.
But because children sometimes rewrite safety in their minds.

It wasn’t about romance.
It was about reassurance.


This Time, I Didn’t Make It Okay

I asked if she wanted to send a video.

She said no.

I’m not raising children who feel obligated to perform gratitude for adults who haven’t shown up.

She worked it out herself.

And I honoured it.

The teddy replaced an old one she no longer plays with. She didn’t want them to be “friends.”
That’s how trauma lives in children — in objects, associations, tiny rules their nervous system creates to stay safe.

And again, the card wasn’t written for her.
It was written for him.

This time, I didn’t smooth it over.
I didn’t hide the words.
I read them as written.


The Night Terrors Returned

Months without one, and then suddenly, they were back.

The fear that I might die.
That I might leave her.
That she’ll be alone.

We know where that fear came from.

Triggers aren’t always loud.
Sometimes they’re a parcel.
A wrong name.
A sentence designed to paint me as the villain.

But here’s the difference:

I didn’t lose sleep this time.

I offloaded to my mum.
I let someone else hold it for a moment.
And then I let it go.

Because my child is happy.
She is confident.
She is allowed to be herself.

And I didn’t force her to perform a video for adults who haven’t shown up.


The Sad Reality

Adults should own their behaviour.
No one is perfect.
She is five — safety is paramount.

With every week that passes, she knows his family less.
That’s not cruelty, that’s time.

I can’t carry guilt that isn’t mine.

A professional told me something I needed to hear:

I was confusing protecting my child with protecting adults from consequences.

Making excuses wasn’t shielding her.
It was teaching her to tolerate minimising.

So I’m stopping.

I will protect my child — not other people’s comfort, image, or narrative.

Her wishes will always be respected.
Her voice will always be heard.

If those who stood by and supported the abuse wanted a place in her life, they had their own voice.

Time is passing either way, and I’m done apologising for refusing to waste it.


If You’re a Victim Reading This

  • Triggers don’t always look like chaos.
  • You don’t have to make it okay for adults.
  • Children say “no” with their faces long before their mouths.
  • Watch for victim-positioning lines — phrases like “I don’t know if you’ll get this” are narrative planting.
  • Document privately.
  • Offload to safe people.
  • Boundaries are safeguarding, not bitterness.

What I Know Now

Maybe growth isn’t “I never get triggered.”

Maybe growth is:

I got triggered.
I collapsed.
I cried on the kitchen floor.
I hated myself for it.

And then I changed what I did next.

I stopped translating harm into something polite.
I stopped making excuses.
I stopped managing other people’s feelings at the expense of my child’s safety.

No more performances.
No more persuading my child to make adults feel better.

If anyone wants a place in her life, they earn it with consistency, effort, and respect — including her name.

Protecting her is the job.
And I’m done apologising for doing it.


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NAAVoices.com — From Survival to Voice

The Journey Behind
NAAVoices

Registered Nurse · Survivor · Neurodivergent · Founder of NAAVoices.com

If you met me at work, you'd see a primary care nurse getting on with the job.

You'd see the clinic lists, the assessments, the routine pressures of general practice. You might notice that I take safeguarding seriously, that I ask different questions, that I pay attention when something “doesn't quite fit”. What you probably wouldn't see is the path that brought me here — or why I rebuilt my entire life and this website from scratch.

This is that story.

The Question That Sent Me Back to University

I had already earned my BSc (Hons) in Nursing and completed multiple master's modules, as well as gained advanced diplomas in areas of general practice. Alongside this, I bring years of primary care experience, a foundation in acute medicine, and several years of experience working in mental health and child and adolescent services. Yet, despite this breadth of knowledge and dedication, my world came crashing down.

After years of coercive control and abuse, I finally left. What followed was worse than I ever imagined: the abuse continued through services supposedly there to protect, and then the family court, professionals looked the other way, and systems I trusted were used as weapons.

I found myself asking a question I couldn't let go of:

How can a human being choose to inflict such pain and suffering on those around them? How do they remain unchanged, unmoved by the harm they cause? How can deceit come so easily, as though truth were meaningless? How can they live without conscience, acting with cruelty yet finding rest at night?

It wasn't an abstract interest in psychology. I needed to understand psychopaths, coercive control, and deliberate cruelty because I was living with the aftermath of it. I wanted to know what kind of mind can inflict that level of damage and still perform “normality” for professionals.

That question sent me back to university.

I self-funded a Postgraduate Certificate in Neuroscience & Psychology of Mental Health. I did it quietly, alongside my job in primary care. Very few colleagues knew I was studying. This wasn't about promotion or a title. It was about survival and understanding.

No amount of academic theory will ever make intentional cruelty “make sense” in human terms.

But the course did something important. It gave me language, evidence, and a framework for what I had lived through. I learned about trauma, attachment, adverse childhood experiences, personality structure, chronic stress, and how the brain adapts to survive.

I am qualified in mental health, but my day-to-day employed role remains in primary care, with different clinical priorities. The mental-health training sits behind the scenes: it informs how I think, how I listen, and how I build this work, but I am not employed as a specialist mental-health clinician. That distinction matters.

Building on the framework provided by the PGCert in Neuroscience and Psychology of Mental Health, my journey shifted from solely personal survival to a commitment to serve others who are where I once was.

This led to further specialised training, including becoming a Certified Trauma Healing Practitioner, a Certified Narcissist Recovery Practitioner, and a Certified Neurodiversity Coach through CMA- and IPHM-accredited providers.

These qualifications are not mere credentials; they represent my dedication to transforming lived experience and academic knowledge into structured, ethical, and evidence-informed tools that I can share, ensuring this work extends beyond personal narrative to provide tangible, practical support.

ADHD, Masking, and the Shape of “Resilience”

At 34, I was finally diagnosed with ADHD — something I had suspected for years but never prioritised because I was too busy coping. Suddenly, a lot made sense:

  • My ability to hyperfocus through chaos
  • My drive to fix complex problems that aren't technically “mine”
  • My tendency to keep going long after most people would stop — until I crashed

ADHD had quietly shaped my career success and my personal vulnerability. It helped me advocate, absorb information quickly, and think laterally about systems. It also meant I masked distress and over-functioned for far too long, calling it resilience while my nervous system was burning out.

The combination of primary care nursing, postgraduate mental-health training, ADHD, and lived experience of abuse and institutional failure created a particular kind of clarity:

  • I could see the patterns
  • I could name the dynamics
  • I could track how systems were failing — not just for me, but for my children as well

The Day the Music Told the Truth

There was a point where the clinical knowledge, the qualifications, and the “I'm fine” facade all fell apart.

One night, I sat in a chair, listening to “I Am Not OK” on repeat for an hour.

I wasn't writing. I wasn't coping. I was rocking, dissociating, and trying to keep my brain from breaking under the weight of what had happened — and what was still happening through the courts and institutional responses.

Two months later, in September 2024, I was diagnosed with PTSD.

The label didn't shock me. It simply caught up with reality. Hypervigilance, flashbacks, sensory overload, the constant scanning for threat — all of it was textbook trauma layered on top of chronic stress and unresolved safeguarding failures.

At that point, writing stopped being a hobby and became something else entirely:

It wasn't writing — it was survival.

When Your Children Show You the Cost

Some memories don't fade, no matter how much time passes.

Their fear was a mirror. It reflected my own internal state — the same dread, the same hyperawareness, the same sense that danger could reappear at any moment.

These weren't “incidents”; they were symptoms of living in prolonged fear and then being failed by the very systems meant to protect us.

Those moments changed the trajectory of my life. They turned advocacy from something I did around my job into something that sits at the centre of who I am.

The Courtroom Where My Voice Didn't Count

Leaving an abuser should mark the beginning of safety.

Instead, I watched the family court become another arena for control.

I was left with a clear message:

You can be a nurse, a mother, or a credible witness. Yet, you may still be silenced when it threatens the bad reputation.

That level of institutional betrayal changes you.

The Moment Nurse Against Abuse Was Born

The night after court, I wasn't okay. I was struggling to hold it together.

My daughter was upset because she wasn't “the best” at something. I'd explained to her that everyone has different things they're good at, and she looked at me and said:

“You are the best at looking after people.”

When the systems around us wouldn't protect us, that sentence became my guide. If I couldn't make them listen to me, I could at least create a space. There, others would never feel that level of erasure. They would not be without a map in their hands.

During a period of severe mental decline, triggered by further police leaks and ongoing court proceedings, I realised something uncomfortable but undeniable:

If I kept trying to be heard in spaces designed not to listen, I was going to break.

So I did the only thing that made sense to my ADHD brain, my nurse brain, and my traumatised brain all at once:

I built something new.

Nurse Against Abuse did not start as a brand. It started as a survival mechanism.

From Troubled Minds to Empowered Voices

“From Troubled Minds to Empowered Voices” was never intended as a branding effort. It grew out of my own journey. Traumatised and feeling voiceless, unable to find the words I so desperately needed.

Traditional trauma therapies don't always fit everyone living with PTSD; for me, speaking was impossible.

Out of that silence, I developed a technique. It first became a journal for myself. Then, it became a tool for others who also struggled to speak but longed for help.

It began as a personal survival tool. Now, it has evolved into the From Troubled Minds to Empowered Voices Collection.

  • From being overwhelmed and unheard to finally understanding what was happening inside my own brain
  • From surviving day-to-day to building something that might make the path easier for someone else
  • From having no voice to ensuring others never feel their lives matter so little to those who were meant to protect them

I love primary care, my patients and my work family. Though it is a workplace, it has always been the place I turn to when I am struggling. There, I could just be myself. Not a victim, not only a parent of traumatised children, but someone who can give others the care they deserve. My therapy is being able to serve others. It is where I was myself and where I can still be myself.

  • Work became my sanctuary when my home was no longer safe
  • My mental health qualification provides the theoretical foundation for what I share here
  • My lived experience ensures none of this drifts into abstract theory

Together, they underpin everything you see on this site: the blogs, the survivor tools, the professional resources, and the insistence that people deserve to be heard, believed, and properly safeguarded.

Why This Story Is Here

This page exists for one reason: context.

When you read my blogs about West Mercia Police, family court, coercive control, ADHD, PTSD, or child safeguarding, I want you to know the perspective they are written from:

  • A professional with lived experience and the qualifications and knowledge to support
  • A mother whose children have lived through domestic abuse and systemic failure
  • A survivor who has seen what happens when institutions protect themselves instead of the vulnerable

I am not neutral.

I am informed.

And I am still here.

If you are reading this because you are trying to make sense of your own situation — whether as a survivor, a parent, a professional, or all three at once — you need to hear this clearly:

You are not overreacting.

You are not weak.

You are not the problem.

And you no longer have to walk through this without language, without tools, or without a voice.

📚 Publications
Not Broken

Not Broken: Finding the Stars

📦 Amazon UK
From Troubled Minds

From Troubled Minds to Empowered Voices

📦 Amazon UK
Gabby’s Guide

Gabby's Guide to Brainstorming Fun

📦 Amazon UK
Gabby’s Guide

Gabby's Guide — Collection

📦 Amazon UK
No Further Action

No Further Action —

⌛ Coming soon

A note on identity

NAAVoices was originally founded under a pseudonym to protect my identity. With time and healing I have come to realise that reducing stigma does not come from staying hidden — it comes from openness. Domestic abuse, mental health difficulties, and the need for advocacy happen to people from every walk of life. I am Amy Royle, and speaking openly is part of normalising these conversations so that others feel safe to do the same.

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