(6 September 2024)
NAAVoices was not created from certainty, but from lived experience and professional insight. As I migrate earlier work from the original platform, this post has been reviewed and approved for transfer. It remains true to its original context, with only minor clarity edits where needed. Some moments do not require rewriting to remain honest.
When Night Falls
Since the end of August, the PTSD has not eased.
It has intensified.
Journaling has become difficult. Evenings are the worst. Closing my eyes now feels unsafe, not only because of the flashbacks, but because of something I do not fully understand.
The only way I can describe it is flash-forwards.
I see his face clearly. Not just his face, but a specific look. The one he used to give me, often when he was drunk or had taken drugs. It arrives without warning, usually when everything is quiet and I am trying to sleep.
I have tried to bury it.
I have tried to push it away.
But it is becoming unbearable.
I do not want to burden friends or family. I do not want to frighten anyone. But I need to get it out somewhere, even if all I can do tonight is write it down.
Content warning: PTSD, flashbacks, trauma response, family court, safeguarding concerns and distress.
Facing the System Again
In a matter of days, I have to attend a meeting to discuss safeguarding concerns around contact.
Six months ago, I could have prepared. I could have pulled the documents together, organised the evidence and forced myself through it.
I was functioning differently then.
Now, I am starting to understand the delayed impact of PTSD. I knew Complex PTSD could be devastating for patients. I understood that professionally. But I did not understand how cruel it is to live inside it until now.
This evening, I tried to review a statement that had previously been provided to the court for the non-molestation hearing in January.
I read one paragraph.
One.
And I ended up on my hands and knees, trying not to faint.
That is what frightens me most. Not just the fear itself, but what the fear is now preventing me from doing. I need to prepare. I need to protect my child. I need to access the evidence.
But my body is reacting before I can even begin.
I left that man to protect all three of my children. What followed was not freedom. It was another version of control, carried through court, paperwork, contact discussions and the systems that should have helped us.
And now I am terrified that the trauma is affecting my ability to keep protecting them.
Becoming the Patient
I am lying in bed trying to use every grounding technique I have been given.
I do not want to call a support line. I feel guilty when I do. I also do not want to say anything that makes anyone worry about me.
On Wednesday, I attended my second CMHT appointment. The second mental health appointment of my entire life. I was told I will be allocated a caseworker, possibly a psychiatrist, practitioner or another professional.
I understand mental health.
I have never judged anyone for needing support. I would never see another person as weak for needing help.
And yet I feel shame.
How has this happened?
How have I reached my mid-thirties and suddenly become someone who needs mental health support just to survive the fallout of another person’s harm?
I keep asking myself questions I would never ask anyone else.
Why can’t I get over it?
Why can’t I move on?
Why am I living with this much panic?
Why do I fear closing my eyes?
Why does facing court feel like a date my whole body is counting down to?
I do not want to be this person.
I want the old version of me back. The one who carried everything, supported everyone, stood tall and somehow kept going, even while going home to chaos.
Now I am out of that house.
And somehow, in some ways, it feels worse.
Being Seen
At Wednesday’s appointment, I saw the same professional I met at my first CMHT appointment.
She is empathetic, but rational. Kind, but clear. She listens in a way that makes me feel understood without feeling handled.
I spoke to her about the flash-forwards, if that is even what they are called.
I think I spoke about them too matter-of-factly. Almost like I was discussing something with a colleague in a staff room, rather than admitting how frightened I am.
Maybe that was my way of minimising it.
Maybe it was easier to make it sound clinical than to say how terrifying it feels when my mind keeps showing me the same images over and over again.
But she seemed to understand the seriousness of it.
She recognised the risk, not just from what has already happened, but from what is still being asked of me. Facing him. Preparing evidence. Going through family court. Trying to protect my children while traumatised by the very person I am being expected to face.
She saw the mask.
That is what broke me afterwards.
Not weakness.
Recognition.
Someone saw what I have carried, and seemed to understand how much more I am being expected to endure.
The Children
Every day, I see changes in my children.
The laughter coming back. The connection between us. The compassion. The love. The moments that remind me why I left, and why I keep going.
My youngest continues to amaze me. Their memory is extraordinary. This week alone, they directed me to a nursery they left at two. Four miles out of town. Nowhere near where we live now. They remembered being pushed there in a blue pushchair as a baby.
They remember more than people realise.
For months, I have tried gently to help them understand that people cry for lots of reasons, not only because “daddy shouted at you.”
Now they tell me people cry because they are happy, sad, because of music, because of “drops of heaven”, because they stub their toe, because there is water in their eyes in the hot tub.
And yes, still, because of daddy shouting.
That hurts.
But it also shows me something important.
They are processing.
They are learning new meanings.
They are not trapped in only one version of what emotion means.
No child is perfect. No family is perfect. But on the mornings after nights where I have barely slept, where his face has haunted me, where I have woken frightened or crying, one of the children will say something gentle.
Something beautiful.
Something that pulls me back into the room.
They seem to know when I need reminding why I am still here.
Facing What Comes Next
Next month, I have to face him in family court.
At this rate, I fear I may be facing that largely alone.
The flashbacks and flash-forwards have been happening for weeks now. The same images. The same sequence. The same details.
The stairs.
The road.
The building.
The aftermath.
It plays in my head with disturbing precision, like Groundhog Day every time I try to close my eyes.
I need to be very clear.
I have no intention of harming myself.
But I am frightened by how vividly my mind keeps rehearsing danger. I am frightened by what prolonged exposure to this level of stress is doing to me. I am frightened for my children, and I am frightened of what it means to keep being pushed back into contact with the source of the trauma.
I think she saw that too.
She saw what I can take.
She saw what I have already taken.
And I think she also saw that there is a limit to how much more any person can endure before they break.
That is why I cried for hours on Wednesday night.
Because someone saw through the mask.
Not the polished version.
Not the capable version.
Not the professional version.
Not the mother who somehow keeps going.
The real one.
The exhausted one.
The frightened one.
The one still trying to protect her children with whatever strength is left.
Why I Am Writing This
I am sharing this because isolation makes trauma worse.
Because systems can re-traumatise people while still calling it process.
Because there is a cost to repeatedly asking victims to relive, evidence, explain and defend the harm done to them.
And because someone reading this may recognise themselves in it.
If that is you, your story matters.
You matter.
If you are wearing the mask because it is the only thing holding you together, I see you.


