Two Years Later
Two years on, I’m sharing this entry exactly as it was written. I’ve only updated pronouns and images for accuracy and copyright reasons, because my branding has changed and my child deserves to be represented correctly. But the words themselves remain untouched.
I won’t rewrite the emotions, the chaos, or the fear I was living in at the time. This post captures the reality of trauma as it unfolded — before I had the language for PTSD, before I understood my nervous system, before I knew how deeply coercive control had shaped my responses. It’s uncomfortable to read back, but it’s honest. And honesty matters.
This is a record of what survival looked like in real time. It’s also a marker of how far I’ve come.
Content Warning: Mentions of coercive control, trauma, PTSD symptoms, and distress.
Haven’t slept for 48 hours now and the panic, anxiety, and flashbacks are crippling me. Been feeling completely overwhelmed because of this police investigation into gross misconduct and grooming. Dealing with the incompetence and failures of the police has just made everything worse. On top of this, I’m worried about the possibility that my ex’s bail conditions will be removed. I spent some time painting ceramics with my friend to try and break the stress, though.
My back’s been killing me since yesterday. I tried gardening for a bit. I couldn’t sit still. My whole body was wired and restless from the anxiety and hypervigilance. Keeping busy felt like the only way to stop my mind spiralling, but it just left me in more pain on top of everything else.
Had to speak to the mortgage company and visit my ex’s solicitors to pick up gifts for my child. Watching my little one open presents from my ex was emotionally brutal, especially when it’s full of manipulation for them and me, nothing they actually like, just things he wanted them to like. And they’re on police bail with restrictions against contacting any of the children or me directly or indirectly. But I have to put my child first.
And that’s the part nobody sees — how much strength it takes to keep showing up for them while I’m falling apart inside. My little one wanted to wear the Elsa dress, and so they did. In the middle of all the chaos, all the fear, all the triggers, I still chose to give them that moment of joy and freedom. Putting them first has taken everything out of me, but it’s also the one thing that keeps me going.
Was massively triggered attending that office, given they’re helping the abuse continue. Sometimes I believe they’re knowingly letting him cause more psychological damage through accusations I can prove are lies.
No faith in the justice system anymore.
Getting home, I needed to print mortgage documents, which brought back memories of being pressured into that 50/50 split. Led to an added financial burden. Throughout our time together, they never held a job, spent beyond their means, constantly lied about finances, and I ended up paying off thousands of their debts. When we got together, he already had loads of debt and lied about his living situation, saying he was staying with family. I covered everything – deposit, entire mortgage, all expenses.
After paying off all my debts and getting back on my feet, I now have to pay him thousands to get his financial control off me so I can remortgage. It’s all gotten too much. Phoned victim support and gave them extensive documentation about police failures and how they’ve directly impacted my children and me.
Also sent my statement to professional standards. Know it might not be what the investigating officer hoped for. Got an email from the investigating officer for coercive control – she’s coming Sunday. But I have zero faith anymore. He’ll get away with it all. Got away with abusing their ex for ten years because nobody believed her.
Feeling very alone and struggling massively with everything happening. The thought of living under their control for years to come and facing them in court again is terrifying. Spoke to victim support today and had palpitations again while discussing the abuse.
Miss work but I’m not ready to go back yet. Couldn’t speak to a close friend tonight – feels pointless. I resigned myself to the fact that it’s easier to face this alone. Regretted telling them I’d gone to sleep. Can’t sleep or close my eyes tonight. Ended up texting my sister in the middle of the night. Tried calling victim support twice, but got cut off after 30 minutes each time due to demand. Wait times were exceptionally long.
Tonight I’m struggling with that internal pain – crippling pain I can’t describe, pain I never knew before accepting the reality and impact of the abuse I endured for so long. So many psychological triggers happening, making me a complete mess. All surrounding my ex and what will come next. Enduring his control for the next 14 years isn’t something I can mentally cope with. He never cared about the damage his actions cause others.
I am waiting for support from CMHT. Considering I don’t have a mental health background, I am afraid it might be a long wait. I’m terrified and don’t want to spiral back into that dark place I was in on April 15th.
The ongoing impact of coercive control abuse within the family court system.
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