March 11, 2025 11.45pm

I love my job, giving to others, and being true to myself. But some days, I face the painful reality of a man who finds joy in chaos and manipulation.

The weight of this situation is overwhelming. I promised myself I wouldn’t let him stop me from being who I am, but his influence lingers. It’s a constant battle between living authentically and the anxiety he instils in me.

For 34 years, I went without medication, therapy, or mental health support. I thought I understood mental health, but I knew nothing. Navigating family court to protect my children and myself has been especially hard.

The heartbreaking truth is that my life remains under someone else’s control. Over the past 16 months, his behavior has escalated in ways I never thought possible.

At 39, his patterns of manipulation and cruelty have been present since before he turned 13. I was warned his family would rally around him, but I stubbornly refused to believe it. I poured everything into trying to help them.

I am not perfect, but I do not act in malice. My regrettable actions were reactions to years of psychological torment. His family knows who he is, yet they chose to back him. It feels like I’m being punished for walking away, and the weight of that thought is crushing. I’ve lost half a stone this week, and the trauma is all-consuming. I need an escape from this hell.

I couldn’t move today, knowing the damage he has done will extend to this beautiful child who deserves so much more. I couldn’t go for lunch or leave my room, fearing someone would ask, “How are you?” I don’t want to hear it or explain what’s happening.

I have a work mum, but I avoid her to hide how bad things have gotten. Colleagues have read solicitor letters and court orders because I couldn’t mentally do it anymore. The absurd lies in those documents are too much to handle.

Today, I messaged a colleague to go for a walk. He asked later if I wanted to go, and though I didn’t, I knew I needed to.

I read the closing email of the C+C case from the end of January, and that was it—I spiralled and knew I couldn’t keep reliving just how manipulative he is.

I walked out of work, realising I was never given a chance to defend anything he had said, nor the statements he had people provide. And still, he had been fed false information, and no one had addressed the leak.

I left work tonight, looking back at a place that kept me safe. I felt immense pain, knowing he is likely plotting and planning more false accusations.

Here I am, having to prove my weight loss and PTSD diagnosis. I’ve fought for 16 months to support the kids and heal from the hell we lived. But when someone is intent on ‘ending’ you, there’s always more.

I’ve published two memoirs, written a patent for a form of therapy, founded a website, studied the first year of a master’s program, worked full-time, supported three kids, lost six stone, and been diagnosed with PTSD. I’ve been a mum, friend, sister, nurse, and granddaughter. I paid off thousands of his debts and supported two traumatized kids. But he still plays the victim.

We went. I collected the little one and headed to the beach. I needed to feel some peace, to reset.

I know tomorrow is going to wipe me out again, and the only thing that keeps me going is that little one’s face, the love and innocence in them, a child they weren’t before.

They are happy and safe. And the tears filled my eyes, knowing that i cant keep them safe from someone who has already put their life at risk so many times. We set off, and they fell straight to sleep, I knew I needed to be outside but couldn’t bring myself to have them sitting in the car just so I could be near the sea. So i pulled over where i always go, the same laybe, the same field and just lay back and watched the stars.

They have no idea what their life is going to be like. The only hope I can have is that the past 16 months of safety and a loving, happy, stress-free home are enough to have given them the confidence to speak up and not allow others to manipulate them, or to at least tell someone if that is happening.

My friend told me I needed to teach them how to phone the police and to teach them how to get to a safe place or get them a phone to ring me. They are 4!!!….. Why does any mum have to worry about this!.

I understand why his ex tried to warn me years ago. How many lives does one person have to ruin? I will never understand how someone can lie so profoundly, damage people, and walk away laughing.

Why aren’t people held accountable for their actions? Why don’t people question lies? Why aren’t people allowed to explain?

Why is psychological abuse secondary to other forms of abuse? The damage is profound.