Part of the “Two Years On” reflection series
When I first began writing publicly, I was writing from survival. I knew something was deeply wrong, but I didn’t yet have the language for it — not the link between ADHD, trauma bonds, or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. All I had were my experiences, raw and unfiltered. I could describe what was happening, but I couldn’t yet understand the mechanisms beneath it. At the time, that was all I had the capacity to do.
I realised the trauma bond had finally broken just ten days after my diagnosis. I phoned Samaritans that day. From July 2023 until the day I left, I fought hard not to be pulled back into the narcissistic cycle. And as anyone who has lived it knows, things got much worse before they got better.
Two years on, I understand so much more — not only about myself, but about why ADHD in women is so consistently overlooked by systems, professionals, and often by women themselves.
This post is not about reopening old wounds. It is about articulating what I could not see then, and why that lack of language matters.
Why ADHD in Women Is So Often Missed
ADHD in women rarely matches the stereotype most people are taught to recognise. We are not always disruptive or visibly hyperactive. More often, we are capable, empathetic, articulate, and quietly overwhelmed.
In women, ADHD commonly presents as:
- internal restlessness
- emotional intensity
- chronic overwhelm
- perfectionism masking chaos
- people-pleasing
- hyper-responsibility
- burnout disguised as competence
Looking back, I can see how easily this was misinterpreted. Functioning became evidence that nothing was wrong. Coping became proof that support was not needed. Distress was reframed as anxiety, sensitivity, or personality, rather than recognised as neurodevelopmental.
This misinterpretation is one of the primary reasons women are missed.
Masking: When Coping Looks Like Capability
For much of my life, I believed I was simply managing. What I now understand is that I was masking.
Masking in women is rarely a conscious performance. It is a survival response shaped by social conditioning. Girls learn early to adapt, to accommodate, and to regulate others’ emotions before their own. Instead of acting out, we internalise.
Masking can look like:
- over-preparing
- rehearsing conversations
- suppressing overwhelm
- pushing through exhaustion
- appearing calm while internally dysregulated
When masking is effective, it is invisible, even to the person doing it. You believe you are coping. This is precisely why ADHD in women remains unseen for so long.
When ADHD Traits Are Misunderstood and Used Against You
Certain ADHD traits in women are frequently mislabelled. These include emotional openness and deep empathy. Other traits are oversharing, difficulty with boundaries, and fear of rejection.
In isolation, these traits are often misunderstood. Within abusive or coercive dynamics, they can be exploited.
In my case, qualities that were once strengths were gradually reframed as flaws. Openness became something to use against me. Fear of rejection became a tether. Empathy became a reason to excuse behaviour that should never have been excused.
ADHD did not cause abuse.
However, ADHD shaped how I responded and how difficult it was to leave.
When neurodivergent traits are interpreted as emotional instability, the underlying ADHD becomes even harder to recognise.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria: The Language I Did Not Have Then
One of the most significant insights I have gained since writing my first blog is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It is often referred to as RSD.
At first, it was suggested to me. It gave language to experiences I had lived with for years. I could not explain them. These included the physical pain of rejection. There was also the intensity of emotional responses. It involved the fear of disappointing others and the difficulty letting go of harmful relationships.
Two years ago, I wrote about heartbreak without understanding why it felt so overwhelming. I had the pain, but not the framework.
RSD is not being overly sensitive. It is a neurological response linked to ADHD. In women, it is frequently mistaken for insecurity, dependency, or unresolved attachment. This is another reason women with ADHD are missed.
The Science and the Gender Blind Spot
ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition involving differences in brain structure, connectivity, and neurochemistry. In women, these differences are often obscured by adaptation and expectation.
Dopamine dysregulation affects motivation, reward, and emotional regulation, yet is often mislabelled as depression. Differences in the prefrontal cortex affect planning and impulse control, but many women compensate so effectively that impairment goes unnoticed. Oestrogen influences dopamine, meaning symptoms can fluctuate across the lifespan and are frequently misinterpreted as mood disorders. Trauma overlap further complicates presentation, and without trauma-informed assessment, ADHD is often overlooked.
With this understanding, I can now see how clear the signs were, and how consistently they were misinterpreted.
Facing the Truth, Two Years On
I revisited the blog i wrote in august 2024. The words were honest and unfiltered, and the impact surprised me.
“Today, I asked a close friend to repeat a truth I’ve been avoiding — a simple statement I’d asked them to say out loud because I needed to hear it clearly, without softening or reassurance. It’s a truth that has haunted me for months. Hearing it wasn’t easy, but it was necessary. That moment marked a turning point: a step towards understanding and, hopefully, eventually, healing.
Because accessing mental health support has been so difficult, I’ve often relied on email as a way to process my thoughts. Recently, I stumbled across a message I’d written at the start of the month — a raw, honest attempt to explain how I was feeling. I hadn’t expected the emotional weight it would carry when I read it back. The truth, as they say, hurts. And for someone with ADHD — or anyone wired with deep empathy — it takes immense strength not to react defensively or spiral.
I have to remind myself that I spent years ignoring the truth. Every word Gabriel spoke was a lie, and yet I believed him. I never imagined he could lie to me. That betrayal still stings. But knowing the truth now is vital. It’s the foundation for every decision I need to make moving forward.
What I didn’t expect was the physical toll. After months free from cardiac pain, dizziness, and discomfort, it all came rushing back. I know this reckoning had to happen — but the old cliché, ‘things happen for a reason,’ feels hollow when I’m once again left picking up the pieces.”
Two years ago, that destabilised me. Now, I understand it as integration, painful but necessary.
Why Diagnosis Matters, Even Later in Life
Diagnosis did not change who I am. It changed how I understand myself.
It explained why I pushed myself to breaking point. It also explained why certain relationships felt impossible to leave. It showed why emotional pain felt disproportionate yet real. It clarified why I coped outwardly while struggling internally.
More importantly, it removed shame.
Two years on, I no longer see sensitivity as weakness or intensity as instability. I understand the wiring behind it, and why helping others was never a phase, but a responsibility born of insight.
Two Years Forward
Women with ADHD are not diagnosed late because they do not struggle.
They are diagnosed late because they struggle quietly, competently, and alone.
Two years ago, I was writing from survival.
Now, I am writing from understanding.
And understanding of ADHD, trauma, and RSD has not silenced me. It has clarified why advocacy, support, and speaking out were never optional.
This is who I am now, with language I did not have then.
Women with ADHD are not diagnosed late because they do not struggle. They are diagnosed late because they struggle quietly, competently, and alone.
Understanding did not silence me. It clarified why helping was never optional.
If You’re Struggling
If anything in this post resonates with you and you’re finding things difficult, please reach out for support. You don’t have to navigate ADHD, emotional overwhelm, or rejection sensitivity on your own.
If you’d like to explore more guidance, tools, and lived‑experience insights, you can also visit our Neurodiversity Home Page or browse the Neurodiversity Hub for further information and support.
You can find reliable information, guidance, and community support through ADHD UK – Homepage – ADHD UK
Reaching out is not a weakness — it’s the first step towards understanding yourself with compassion.
